Key Witness an Old Man with an Eccentric Hobby
A recent high-stakes criminal investigation, of sinister corporations and mysterious government entities, experienced a breakthrough on Monday when plays-by-his-own-rules detective Jack Daxxer located a key witness.
Formerly an infamous genetic scientist and nuclear technician, 84-year-old Gunter Heissenstrassen now spends his days breeding chinchillas on a remote farm in Montana. Gunter was eccentric during Jack’s interview, going off on tangents linking chinchilla breeds with uranium 238 and the Decline of the West, all the while feeding and rearranging his rodents in a visually interesting way. His manner added a cinematic dimension to what would surely have been a blatantly expositional scene. Often, while making a point, Gunter employed the chinchillas as visual aids.
Jack, whose estranged wife doesn’t understand his career-obsession, learned a little something about himself from Gunter and the chinchillas. He is currently speeding back to LA to save his marriage and prevent a global conspiracy from poisoning black, gay babies.
No one can terrorize a whole nation, unless we are all his accomplices.
Edward R. Murrow
BUSH TO SEND LOCAL POLICE TO IRAQIn an unforeseen but not surprising move the White House Administration has announced that it will deploy several divisions of local police from each state, including highway patrol and parking enforcement, to Iraq. Crime rates in several major city are expected to rise exponentially but will be offset by a lasting peace in Iraq, where somehow a continued influx of troops will lay out the correct line of succession from Mohammed and end the thousand years of disputation. In addition, several shopping mall security guards will be randomly selected to join the police forces. The Bush administration was quick to make note that this random selection was not a "draft," but more of a "Lottery." And Lottery's are fun. Also, Bolok, the worlds only sentient kitchen sink, has safely made it across the border to Canada. More on this as my voyeuristic endeavors at the local high school locker room allow.
Michael Dorn Important
Michael Dorn, known for his role as the Klingon Worf on Star Trek: The Next Generation, is important, say experts. Despite years of anonymity since the Trek days, the actor (not recognized often because of the prosthetics he wore on screen) is making headlines as a relevant and integral person.
Dorn is eagerly riding this wave out of depressing Trek Conventions and corporate team-building appearances, as he scrambles to nail down promotional contracts for everything from Athlete’s Foot meds to new ‘Michael Dorn brand Industrial Ball-Bearings.’ Negotiations are underway for a spin-off Trek series about Worf. According to Hollywood insiders, the sitcom will follow the Klingon’s trials and tribulations raising his son Alexander as a single dad, while learning about life and love, and dealing with his raging bloodlust.
Dorn meanwhile has appeared on numerous talk shows, and has been scene dining at the White House. He has also been linked with Bronson Pinchot, Steve Gutenberg, and certain Chinese ambassadors. More on this as it develops.
NASA to destroy Mars."Fuck it." Was the official word from NASA and JPL on Tuesday, during the unveiling of their new Martian Lander, the Global Thermonuclear Surveyor.
Scientists turn away from AI development after a tense episode of Battlestar Gallactica. 
Canada comes in second
Michael Dorn Chinchilla Old Man's Crowning AchievementIt has been an exciting life for 84-year-old Gunter Heissenstrassen. He has been an emmenant genetic scientist, winning the National Socialist Prize for social Mendelanism at just 20. Later, he developed radiological shielding technologies used internationally in power plants such as Chernobyl and Indian Point (wait for it). But even though he has chosen to seclude himself in the shadows of the rustling Montana hills, his life has hardly become mundane.
Heissenstrassen is a key witness in the burgeoning global conspiracy linking Dick Cheney's attempts to sacrifice a black baby on television, HBO's "All Aboard: Rosies Family Cruise", a unionization of the Euthanasia workers of America, and the American Federation of Confederacies, and the reemergence of the Transsexual & Transgender Poisoners and Confectioners Association. But his most important mile stone to date, happened with in the confines of his underground Chinchilla Farm, which he calls The Chinchilla-Villa. Working desperately in the late hours as the stars drift across the silken oceans of the big Montana Sky Heissenstrassen found that by using a derivative succliatide if uranium 238, mixed with native american folklore and Charlie Sheen he could produce a genetic mutation in his Chinchillas that closely, if not completely accurately resembles Actor and Mahogany Statuette Michael Dorn.
The first of the new Breed was presented as a present to Vigilante Cop Jack Daxxer, who made plans to use the Michael Dorn chinchilla to guard the house boat he has been repairing for his retirement.
In related news the Pirates apologize if you actually bothered to read this far.
White House admits Alec Baldwin "Not factered in." 
Hardware chain opens in malls to dismal effect Selling everything from lumber and drywall to bags of fertilizer, a new chain of mall-based hardware stores has experienced a tepid opening weekend. The stores lack outdoor entrances, so that customers are forced to haul their often unwieldy, messy purchases through delicate, crowded mall-labyrinths. A number of lawsuits and Orange Julius-related deaths have resulted. More on this as society unfolds.
Source of Tainted Spinach Found. Investigators tracing the origin of tainted spinach that caused at least three deaths, and many illnesses found what they were looking for on Wednesday. Apparently, for several months, home grower Herb Mason had been growing his spinach somewhere in the area in between his balls and his asshole, a region referred to by horticulturists as the "Taint." Mason apologized for the mishap, citing that the spinach needed a warm region in which to prosper. He hopes that the incident will not effect sales of his new country-western album, "Taint your Wagon," and his Direct-to-Video feature, "Grosse Point Taint."
Ahmadinejad falls to knees, begs to be bombed Dispensing with the relative subtlety of earlier ploys, the president of Iran on Monday blatantly asked the United States, “Will you go ahead and bomb us already?”
For over a year now, a masochistic Ahmadinejad has been doing everything in his power to bring American bunker-busters down on his country. His cries for punishment have included uranium enrichment, death threats, and last week’s ‘warnings’ that his nation’s illegal actions will continue.
Psychologists have theorized that the radical leader was abused as a child. “He doesn't feel he deserves anything better than sanctions and ultimately a bombing campaign,” said Dr. Beth Gilmore at a Tuesday press conference. “He needs attention, like all of us, but the only kind he knows how to provoke is negative. Hence the holocaust-denials and saber rattling. This latest action bespeaks a new level of desperation.”
“I'm at my wit’s end,” Ahmadinejad admitted. “Will the great Satan please, please just bomb me like the naughty little central-Asian rogue leader I am? Please! I need to be taught a lesson. I've been such a bad boy!”
“Ironically,” said Dick Cheney during a Wednesday interview, “the worst thing we can do to him is continue ignoring him. Even if that means ignoring a dire threat to millions of Israelis and Westerners. You've been wondering what the Iraq-thing was all about? Now you know. It really gets under his skin to see the treatment he craves going to his undeserving neighbor.”
In related news, Canada has announced something.
Children are not the Future, Say Scientists. Recent discoveries in particle physics have indicated that children are not, as they've been touted, the future. Scientists at CERN and MIT have published a joint paper indicating that children are at best the present, and are very likely the past. Addressing the question of what is the future, the world scientific community has launched a study focused on several likely candidates: explosions, cockroaches, and, oddly enough, Steve Gutenberg. More on this as the findings emerge.
Abusive Boyfriend Causes Spatial Disruption Topeka, Kansas
Police responding to a domestic dispute on Thursday were sucked into what CERN researchers are calling "A Calabi-Yau like spin-flop transition," and a "Nullifying inter-dimensional rift with clandestine growth anomalies capable of unraveling the universe."
Three in as many weeks. That's how many times the Topeka Police department had been called out to the modest home where Mardel Louise Alabama Washington lived with her out-of-work alcoholic boyfriend City Jonestown. The first call, which left Mardel with a black eye and a bruised Id, ended in Jonestown's arrest. In the second, neighbors called to complain of screaming and crashing sounds. Police arrived to find plates broken, and a door smashed down. But it was the third call that was to have the most tragic consequences.
"He's done thrown a few things my way, "Washington said later," He's always putting his fists through walls and such." But nothing could have prepared her, nor the police, for the effect that Jonestown's latest alcohol, marijuana and paint thinner fueled outburst would produce.
Jonestown was imbued by the powers of rage stemming from Mardels constant nagging requests for him to acquire gainful employment, and her apparent inability to perform in the bedroom (Literally, as City's last request was an impassioned rendition of Henry V's St. Crispins Day speech re-imagined as a 1980's Eco-Thriller staring a young but still up and coming David Caruso). His tantrum led him to put his fist through two walls, break a chair to pieces, and eventually, alarmingly, punch a hole in space-time.
CERN researchers have assumed custody of Jonestown, and Quantum Psychologists are speculating that he may be from a entropic elctro-dysfunctional family. A memorial for the fallen officers will never be held, since technically, they no longer exist.
