Live Free. Dress like you mean it.
on the manach
The Pirates had another whopper for me this week, nothing less than a full blown, comprehensive investigation of the major world religion known as Christianity.
Somehow, through an amazing series of coincidences, I had never heard of it and knew nothing about it. My first step was to download the religion's sacred texts and a thousand or so randomly sampled histories into my neural interface, then run distillation software on the morass of 1s and 0s.
The Magog Investigates Cristianity
We’ve all seen them: the slow pan of a baby’s naked ass, the frontal shots of shamelessly nude babies stumbling across carpet. And we are disturbed, disgusted, yet strangely aroused. I thought it was time to investigate this exploitation industry: to that end I shaved my body, donned a diaper, and headed for Van Nuys in the San Fernando Valley.
The Magog Penetrates the Seedy Underworld of Diaper Commercials
Ever spin in circles when you were a kid, so you could drop to the ground and feel the universe wheeling about you? Of course you did. Every kid has. It is that impulse, the basic human need to disorient the senses, that the War on Drugs has, ludicrously, targeted.
The Magog Investigates the War on Drugs
The crack-down on so-called “eco-terrorism” was my assignment this week, a relatively recent phenomenon dubbed “The Green Scare” by environmental activists, after the slightly more ominous “Red Scare” of the 40s and 50s.
The Green Scare
The Pirates, having recovered from their obesity problem, were ready this week to continue with their liberation of the planet. Their assignment for me was an intermediary step toward that goal: solve the problem of the Middle East.
I did some research and found out a few things: apparently, a large swath of south-central Asia is embroiled in conflicts stemming from oil and religion. I was intrigued. The area was populated by “Muslims,” patriarchal monotheists sometimes referred to as “Camel Jockeys” by western political scientists.
Solving the Crisis in the Middle East
Sad Mountain, Oklahoma was once a quite Christian community. With it’s sprawling pines, freshly paved roads, pristine school buildings and communal co-ed bath houses, it seems like the perfect place to raise children and to love God. But this small community was rocked last Sunday, when Local Authorities, along with twelve Federal Agents stormed into the largest Sad Mountain church, Fellowship of the Ring Church, and arrested it’s head priest, Carmine Sanchez.
Authorities Report Necrophilia on the rise through out the Bible Belt.
Restless spirits of the dead, disembodied souls, ectoplasm, free-floating electromagnetic residues of 50 year old suicides, these were my quarry this week, and frankly, I assumed I would complete the assignment on auto-pilot. (I actually possess this ability. I can fall asleep and let a highly functional sleep-walking mode handle such things as eating, manual labor, high-level corporate positions, liberal arts degrees, and Pirates assignments involving the paranormal.)
The Magog investigates Ghosts
This week my assignment was obvious: to interview the giant Golden Calf Deity that has appeared in low earth orbit, voicing thunderous indignation at humanity’s mistake over 2000 years ago.
Golden Calf Worship Turns out to be Correct After All
With the proliferation of obesity in the United States, a parasite industry of fad diets is inevitable. The Pirates, growing bloated on carb-rich Rinalti bio-waste, ordered me to find the most effective weight-loss plan out there.
Finding the Most Effective Diet to Lose Wight Fast
Some call it a myth, others a theory, still others ‘a whole lotta horse pucky,’ the notion, fantastical as it sounds, that there exists a world, complete with its own countries, languages, and cultures, outside the United States. Science had had its pass at the rumor, with inconclusive results; I decided it was journalism’s turn.
The "World Outside of America" Myth
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